Weight gain and Hair loss.

I have always regretted both. All throughout school, I was one of the thinnest (and well, short too :-D ) girls. My mum on her part did everything to change that. She even took me to a doctor who assured her that there are short, thin men too!!!  None of the prescribed tonics were of any use. It was another matter that I was a classical dancer, actively participated in sports...and wait, believe it or not, I was good at basketball too (but that was only till I was 13 years old...after that, all the other girls in my class decided to grow taller!). My only regret is that I didn't take swimming classes when I could...

I had beautiful hair and I would invariably tie them in two plats. One day, my friends decided that enough was enough and I should atleast keep my hair open after I washed it!!! So I spent the entire day without tying my hair. And people came by and told me, if I'd kept my hair open all the time...I would have definately got a few proposals. I wasn't exactly pleased with that comment, considering that I used to make every possible effort to stay away from men. But I did realise that there was a part of my body which I could be totally proud of. Weight was never an issue.

How things have changed. My hair has become all wavy (well partly) and weight has become such a huge issue. No, I am not a balloon but I am heavier than average. A lot of people my age are heavy but the very fact that however much I try, I can never quite be what I used to be is a bit disheartening. My crown is no more glorious, but I am not too unhappy about it :-).


And I thought that this is where it all ended. I mean, the visible side affects of medicines. And then there are others like memory loss.
Today, I came across an article in some science journal which  talked about behavioural changes affecting people with various health conditions. The stress wasn't on medicines and the side effects, it was more on the problem.

"Persons with seizures on awakening, for example juvenile myoclonic epilepsy, are said to lack energy and suffer from perseverance, and to mature later than others, both mentally and physically. It has also been said that they are gipsy-types, with an urge to live a bohemian life. However most persons with juvenile myoclonic epilepsy function well socially."

And I realised that all of what is written is true! I do get tired very quickly. A day's work and I need to come back home and rest. I can't do without 8 hours of sleep. Though after that, I am good to go. However, when it comes to hills and nature and trekking...I am NEVER tired :-D , maybe because I love it so much. 

And I can't help pursuing something till the very end, infact even after that...to the extent that I lose track of what I am pursuing. For how long have I pursued my phd? My perseverance beats everybody's!!! A lot of people have wondered and asked me about the merit of what I was pursuing and frankly, I could never give a satisfactory answer. 

Maturity has never been my strong point. Never arrived on time. That doesn't mean that I was childish or frivolous, just that my thoughts were a bit different. Thankfully, things have changed.

Despite my efforts at going through various matrimonial websites and talking/writing to people, there has often been this streak in me which keeps pulling me back. I am never sure. I mean, I do want to get married but again, there is a part of me which wants a different life. Ten years back, I thought that one of the main benefits of marriage was that I would never have to "open the door and find a cold, dark room". But as I realised, married life isn't that great and living on your own doesn't mean living alone. Marriage might change your lifestyle but it really doesn't change your life. Your life is defined by who you are, what you want and how you want to achieve it. A partner influences you in ways no one else can but the journey is still your own. Your soul has to carve its own path. I am not sure about afterlife. I believe that heaven or hell is found on earth, in this life, in whatever experiences you go through. I don't know whether bonds you form in this life are there for the next seven lives. But I do know that the experiences that your soul goes through sticks with it forever...if, there is a forever.


Oh yes, I have good friends. Actually that's not true. I have great friends and I get along pretty well with most people...so, a social animal I am. However, I am in no way a party animal. In general, a likeable person I guess. And as a friend once said..."you are a very nice person". And then he was quick to add, "you know when someone cannot think of any compliment, they often say nice".



So why am I am writing this "very personal" post? I used to think that maturity was my problem. That there was something wrong with me otherwise why wouldn't I see the obvious about people. Why could I not judge a situation properly or know the people around me well. Why would I pursue something needlessly (except phd, which I am hanging on to...if, forever). I thought I was an outlier.

Outlier I am! But I am not alone. There is a reason for this. I like reasons, I like logic. I am logically illogical (whatever that means).
I am not particularly comforted by the fact that a lot of people share the same behavioral traits. I am happy that I know and realise that I used to be different at one point of time but I have changed in ways others haven't. But that change has little to do with me, it has not been a voluntary one. I had not chosen to regress to immaturity. And so, even though it is my behavior, my life, my actions...I have something to blame all these traits to. :-) 

And that is a momentary thought which dissolves when I face reality!

Is Warren Buffett an economic indicator?

Considering his ability to influence markets, he seems so.

Buffet recently announced a massive investment plan of 5 billion dollars in Bank of America (in form of preferred shares, with a dividend of 6% a year and redeemable anytime at a premium of 5% ), which at this time was in dire need of credibility (and he made some...well, a lot of money in the process). BofA's stock rose 25%  and ended the day 9.44% ahead.

Good business which was made to look as philanthropy...?

If anything, taxes for the lower and middle class and maybe even the upper middle class should even probably be cut further. But I think that people at the high end - people like myself - should be paying a lot more in taxes. We have it better than we've ever had it.  ~ Warren Buffett

I was wondering where are the banks getting their money from right now (apart from people like Buffet, which lets face it...is rare!)?
The treasury which decided to lend at phenomenally low interest rates to encourage investment and get the economy going has certainly failed. A lot of banks have just gone and put that money in Fed. So who is gaining in all of this? 

You spend billions trying to bail out banks…with whose money?
Banks invest in toxic derivatives (nothing but financial weapons of mass destruction...all tax payer’s money originally invested in “good” securities) which with a slight disturbance leads to considerable erosion of wealth and then their default is paid for by using the tax-payers money (at a discounted rate).
This then is followed by an investment in the same banks by people like Buffett… giving the impression that one is doing philanthropy? Even in that philanthropy you are making substantial profit.

Hmmm...so, where is the taxpayer gaining in all of this? I suppose, financial markets don't quite have the ordinary taxpayer in their mind...do they?

In the end, Buffett is right...some earn extra-normal profits...at the expense of others.

New Lessons Learnt !

So, what am I talking about? What do you think...about - cats!!! No, not that Broadway musical but homely (apparently)cats of the feline community!

 

Now now, who is this? This is the male kitten. He is friendlier than the rest, emotional and sensitive. Now how could I make that out? I can't even read people, how did I ever read them...correctly? Long story...some other post. Like every other cat, he likes to groom himself.

And, unlike the other kittens who visit our place...he lets me pick him up and does not resist in any way. But that happens only when I get a chance to pick him up. He is so fast that it is next to impossible to catch him.

Now, who is this? Well, she is the cutest of the lot. She on her part doesn't realise how cute she looks. She is only interested in food and doesn't quite care about anything else - and that includes her sister and brother. And she is THE reason that I am writing this!

So one day, I tried to pick her up. And got bitten...seriously. Yes, she is just a six month old kitten but she has very sharp teeth. And my mother is someone who gets hyper very quickly.  To make things worse, she spoke with  an over-excited doctor about it. And then, injections followed...another story altogether.

Yesterday something new happened. 

While I was feeding her (and the others), she tried to bite me again. This time,  I got a bit irritated and picked her up in the way their mothers do...by the skin  behind the neck. And she didn't move.  No, I wasn't strangulating her, nor was I torturing her. Once I had heard in a programme in NatGeo that when a mother holds her cubs this way, the cubs can't resist and it becomes easier to carry them from one place to another. So, then that was it! I became their mother :-D...and no she couldn't resist. But the consequence of that was a few found respect for me. Now she only purrs, no more bites!!!

Postcards

 Dear  Elena,                                                                                                       10th June, 2005

How are you? I had been thinking about you but never got the time to call you. Things have been hectic. I am in Peru right now and unfortunately stuck in a meeting which is going nowhere. A woman here is wearing an amulet just like yours… Will reach Moscow on the 23rd. lets meet up soon!

David.

  ~~~

Dear Elena                                                                                                          15th February, 2006

I am in South Africa right now and you can’t imagine how much I miss everyone. There is no place like home.

David.

~~~

Dearest Elena,                                                                                                    28th March, 2007

I wish you were here to see the blue of the pacific.

David

 ~~~

Dear ELENA,                                                                                                      17th July, 2007

I finally made perfect pasta and Anya loved it. I did tell you about Anya…didn’t I? She was with me in school and now works for an aeronautical institute. We have so much I common. She loves travelling too. Infact, we are planning a trip to Turkey this fall. Will send you pictures.

David

~~~

 My dear Elena,                                                                                                     2nd June, 2008

Antarctica is too cold a place to be in, even for a few weeks. We stay in tents and go for work in the morning. But there is no morning. There are no sunrises here. Work is fun but nights aren’t. There are no stars, there is no moon and there certainly isn’t “you”.  I wish I had someone to go back home to, instead of a cold tent. Whatz up with you?

David

~~~~~~~~~

There were postcards from all over the world…in all possible seasons. Sometimes about the new cuisines that David had learnt and sometimes about the new friends he had made. Sometimes about his work and sometimes about Anya. Sometimes about his new haircut and sometimes about his friend’s new boat.

~~~~~~~~~

Dear Elena,                                                                                                          5th August, 2009

I am in France right now and it is indeed a very romantic city. I wish I was with somebody special now. BTW, did you know …French women are very stylish and beautiful!!!

David

p.s- There is no match for Russian Vodka though, if you know what I mean  ;-)

~~~

Elena,                                                                                                                 29th November, 2009

I am getting a new convertible…BMW :-D. I’ll send you a picture.

David.

p.s-  Yes, I know it’s German. But atleast I am not buying an American one!

~~~

Dear Elena,                                                                                                         3rd December, 2010

I have made a travel plan for Eurasia. Hopefully Anya will join me this time. You remember Anya…don’t you? Will write a travelogue.

David.

 ~~~

David never really came back to Moscow but the postcards kept coming and Elena thought, well, he remembered her. Till one day she realized that the postcards were infact sent by somebody else!!! Even if they were signed “David”, somebody else was writing and posting them. It was as if David had outsourced his work.  

For a brief moment she felt betrayed. She didn’t expect anything from David, he was not capable of anything but this was a bit too much. Why did he have to send the postcards anyways? If he didn’t remember or didn’t have the time, he should have stopped. It’s normal! What was the need to give the impression that he was thinking about her? What was his motive?  “David was such a farce?”
No calls, no meetings…just some postcards. What was he thinking? She thought to herself and shrugged her shoulders…maybe he just wanted me to remember him. But why? What new selfless motive could that fulfill?

When she shared this with somebody else, he said that there was a possibility that these postcards came from some other David. Possible…afterall, the David she knew hadn’t spoken with her for years. She had been out on quite a few dates. Possible! What a weird occurrence...does this sort of thing happen in others lives too? Oh well, no point thinking about it.

From then on, she no more wondered about the postcards. She didn’t wait, she didn’t think…not because she didn’t want to but it just never occurred to her.

And the last postcard that she got was a day before she moved out of her house. It was from India. Incredible India, with a picture of a Royal Bengal Tiger.

~~~

Dear Elena,                                                                                                           25th May, 2011

I am in India right now, with Anya. She has a friend here and we are really enjoying our stay. I saw a Royal Bengal Tiger today and it is one of the most magnificent creatures I have ever come across. It is a cousin of the Siberian tiger, just brighter and more regal.

How are you?

David

~~~

It suddenly struck her, even if she wanted to answer his question there was no return address. She couldn’t send a reply to any of his postcards.

Indeed, that was the last one. No more postcards.  No more anything…she had moved…out!!!

I need a tet-vac now!

And why would that be?

Because stray cats think its a good idea to bite me!

These are not love-bites for sure!

No, I do not want cats to bite me and I do not invite them either. But I did hope that since I have been feeding them since they were a month old, they'd have a little more trust on me. I mean, I am not going to bite them in return! Every time, I try to pick up this kitten (who well, is no more a kitten...almost grown up...6 months old now), she tries to bite me and successfully scratches me all over. This time though she actually bit me a couple of times (in a bid to defend herself) and the bites were a bit deep...so tomorrow, the first thing to do is go to a doctor


Ofcourse, one would ask...why pick her up anyways? Well, temptations are always hard to resist. :-D

And then, one would also ask...why the photo? Well, because I thought it would be a good idea to have a snap of me and her...a nice one. And so in a bid to do that I ran after her for nearly 30 mins and finally when I picked her up...it seemed like I had made one of them worst decisions of my life!!!

Brother-sister duo

I feel sorry for people who do not have any brothers (or well, sisters too)

 Twins - Blackie is a girl and the fawn coloured kitten is a male and they are always together!

No, one knows how we grew up, our favourite food, all our friends and some of their stories, favourite games, the teachers we liked and hated, the ice-cream parlours and the exact flavour of ice cream that we preferred, how we got hurt and what happened when we got stitches for the first time...no one knows them the way a brother or sister does. No one knows exactly how we will react to a certain situation the way siblings do...

But more than that, no one has seen us change in those infinitely small ways...how my taste in ice cream flavour changed, how I liked black and not white anymore, how my hair style changed over years and how he once got a "mithun chakravarty haircut", which is something even he would like to forget...how I liked silver more than gold and then wood and junk more than anything else, how I gained weight, lost it and gained it with little guilt and blaming it all on a set of medicines, how my life changed...

My brother's influence on me has been many fold...from the preference for football (started when I was still in primary school, mostly because I wanted to ape him. He was good at games.) to liking Billy Joel and knowing about Pink Floyd...from painting (which he was really good at) to learning photography (which I totally love and am addicted too) From the choice of books to the choice of movies. From respecting everybody, especially elders, humanity and generosity (which lets face it, I am not! But hey, I try :-D ) ).

I remember one particular incident in school. We had gone for a marriage and I had a paper the very next day. There was no way I could have even thought about passing that exam and so I decided to skip school that day. My parents didn't insist but my brother said that I should atleast try. The courage doesn't lie in going to a battlefield only when you are all prepared, sometimes it also lies in knowing that you might not win but still have the strength to put up a good fight. What is the worst thing that can happen - I'd fail, but that would be the case even if I didn't go to school...in the former, I would have a red mark on my report card and in the latter I would have missed an opportunity. So I went to school, very grudgingly and guess what- I passed! And that sort of changed my perspective a bit...you can't possibly be prepared for every circumstance in life but you've got to face them head on. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose...either way you learn something.

And then there are things that I don't like about him...and I know exactly when and how he picked up those habits.

But most of all you just don't need to communicate with brothers or sisters. They understand. Sometimes, they come up with the same songs...similar thoughts...and you don't even need to look at them to know that. With them, silences don't matter.

So why am I rambling on...simply because it is rakshabandhan today... :-)

Morality

“It is impossible to calculate the moral mischief, if I may so express it, that mental lying has produced in society. When a man has so far corrupted and prostituted the chastity of his mind as to subscribe his professional belief to things he does not believe he has prepared himself for the commission of every other crime.”

~Thomas Paine

How so many of us think that whatever we are doing is wrong but it needs to be done, to survive and flourish. Or feel bad, sometimes guilty about our conduct and yet continue. Till some time back, I used to think that people who might not act in a noble way are better than people who might have sold their conscious altogether and don't even realise it. But as Hitchcock puts it,"such is worse". Because the former is a man with full cognizance of his actions and yet he justifies them and continues to act in a ignoble manner. And that can only imply his preference for it.

I haven't yet been in a situation which tests my morality simply because my profession doesn't demand me to tread such a path. But what if one day, I was put in some such situation...would I cave in?

Bitten!

You are biting my foot baby.

You think?

 No baby, I am just imagining this pain...

Yuck...your foot tastes horrible. I need some food. And in the meantime,get a pedicure!

And this is my cat's (who actually isn't mine at all) daughter from her second litter. All the kittens of the first litter got eaten, presumably by stray dogs.
Why the snap...well, simply because she has started biting me a lot these days. Everytime she wants something she bites my feet. But what is the amusing part (since getting bitten is obviously not amusing) ???
She cleans the area before biting it...I mean she licks my feet well before she bites it.

Choices

“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.”

~ Anais Nin