Weight gain and Hair loss.

I have always regretted both. All throughout school, I was one of the thinnest (and well, short too :-D ) girls. My mum on her part did everything to change that. She even took me to a doctor who assured her that there are short, thin men too!!!  None of the prescribed tonics were of any use. It was another matter that I was a classical dancer, actively participated in sports...and wait, believe it or not, I was good at basketball too (but that was only till I was 13 years old...after that, all the other girls in my class decided to grow taller!). My only regret is that I didn't take swimming classes when I could...

I had beautiful hair and I would invariably tie them in two plats. One day, my friends decided that enough was enough and I should atleast keep my hair open after I washed it!!! So I spent the entire day without tying my hair. And people came by and told me, if I'd kept my hair open all the time...I would have definately got a few proposals. I wasn't exactly pleased with that comment, considering that I used to make every possible effort to stay away from men. But I did realise that there was a part of my body which I could be totally proud of. Weight was never an issue.

How things have changed. My hair has become all wavy (well partly) and weight has become such a huge issue. No, I am not a balloon but I am heavier than average. A lot of people my age are heavy but the very fact that however much I try, I can never quite be what I used to be is a bit disheartening. My crown is no more glorious, but I am not too unhappy about it :-).


And I thought that this is where it all ended. I mean, the visible side affects of medicines. And then there are others like memory loss.
Today, I came across an article in some science journal which  talked about behavioural changes affecting people with various health conditions. The stress wasn't on medicines and the side effects, it was more on the problem.

"Persons with seizures on awakening, for example juvenile myoclonic epilepsy, are said to lack energy and suffer from perseverance, and to mature later than others, both mentally and physically. It has also been said that they are gipsy-types, with an urge to live a bohemian life. However most persons with juvenile myoclonic epilepsy function well socially."

And I realised that all of what is written is true! I do get tired very quickly. A day's work and I need to come back home and rest. I can't do without 8 hours of sleep. Though after that, I am good to go. However, when it comes to hills and nature and trekking...I am NEVER tired :-D , maybe because I love it so much. 

And I can't help pursuing something till the very end, infact even after that...to the extent that I lose track of what I am pursuing. For how long have I pursued my phd? My perseverance beats everybody's!!! A lot of people have wondered and asked me about the merit of what I was pursuing and frankly, I could never give a satisfactory answer. 

Maturity has never been my strong point. Never arrived on time. That doesn't mean that I was childish or frivolous, just that my thoughts were a bit different. Thankfully, things have changed.

Despite my efforts at going through various matrimonial websites and talking/writing to people, there has often been this streak in me which keeps pulling me back. I am never sure. I mean, I do want to get married but again, there is a part of me which wants a different life. Ten years back, I thought that one of the main benefits of marriage was that I would never have to "open the door and find a cold, dark room". But as I realised, married life isn't that great and living on your own doesn't mean living alone. Marriage might change your lifestyle but it really doesn't change your life. Your life is defined by who you are, what you want and how you want to achieve it. A partner influences you in ways no one else can but the journey is still your own. Your soul has to carve its own path. I am not sure about afterlife. I believe that heaven or hell is found on earth, in this life, in whatever experiences you go through. I don't know whether bonds you form in this life are there for the next seven lives. But I do know that the experiences that your soul goes through sticks with it forever...if, there is a forever.


Oh yes, I have good friends. Actually that's not true. I have great friends and I get along pretty well with most people...so, a social animal I am. However, I am in no way a party animal. In general, a likeable person I guess. And as a friend once said..."you are a very nice person". And then he was quick to add, "you know when someone cannot think of any compliment, they often say nice".



So why am I am writing this "very personal" post? I used to think that maturity was my problem. That there was something wrong with me otherwise why wouldn't I see the obvious about people. Why could I not judge a situation properly or know the people around me well. Why would I pursue something needlessly (except phd, which I am hanging on to...if, forever). I thought I was an outlier.

Outlier I am! But I am not alone. There is a reason for this. I like reasons, I like logic. I am logically illogical (whatever that means).
I am not particularly comforted by the fact that a lot of people share the same behavioral traits. I am happy that I know and realise that I used to be different at one point of time but I have changed in ways others haven't. But that change has little to do with me, it has not been a voluntary one. I had not chosen to regress to immaturity. And so, even though it is my behavior, my life, my actions...I have something to blame all these traits to. :-) 

And that is a momentary thought which dissolves when I face reality!